Church today really got me thinking...good thought and not so pleasent thoughts. What kind of a Christian really am I? From the outside, I may appear to have it all together, and be the "perfect, little Christian", but deep down inside I bear many scars. Scars that My Savior, while He knew I would encounter them, forgave me for.
My Pastor has been focusing on Matthew 5:1-12, the Beatitudes. He has come up with little "catch-phrases" to help make the verses more "modern", shall we say.
Vs. 3-- Bankrupt over sin Vs. 7-- Mercy Givers
Vs. 4--Broken over sin Vs. 8--Purity Seekers
Vs. 5--Control over sin Vs. 9-- Relationship Restorers
Vs. 6--Crave righteousness over sin Vs. 10-- Righteous Witnesses
There's a reason why I have them paired up this way....pretty much God has taught us that we must deal with the Inward Traits(column 1) before we can have an Outward Demonstration(column 2).
The pairing that hits me most, is actually the 2nd one. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted", vs. 4. When I think of the word Mourn, I think of funerals, and how I cry over the sadness of losing someone that I loved. I really feel that God wants us to no only repent from our sins, but if we are willing to make a life-style change, that we have to physically MOURN our sins. WHAT!? you ask? God is placing it on my heart, that I can't really move on from sinning without prayerfully, humbly meaning it from the deepest parts of my heart.
It hurts so badly to think about the sins I have committed. Conscience decisions that I made to do wrong. Even though I knew they were wrong, I still did them. Time and time again. And yes, I have asked for repentance. BUT if in that situation again, will I stick to my convictions??
This is where vs. 8 comes into play. "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." Pastor Dave referred to them as "Purity Seekers". They are truly broken over sin and are seeking a pure heart....so they may not repeat the sin cycle. They see the sin as God sees it, and they want a clean (pure) heart before the Lord.
The part that really has me thinking is that they are "broken over their sin" so they "won't repeat the cycle." I long for God's forgiveness, which he has given to me. But I think in my heart, I "hurt" for my sins...but am I "broken" over them? This is where my thoughts dive deeper into my inner most being, as I force myself to study my heart and see where I really am.
I have played the hypocritical Christian before. Most people don't know just how badly I fooled them. I knew what to say, how to act, and how to respond to any and every situation. I have been working on my relationship with the Lord for a while now, and finally feel as though I am "through" the "fake" stage...although it wouldn't take much for me to get back to that. I NEED Jesus to be real in my life. I have far too much hurt in my life to do this on my own. I've messed it up enough. I need Jesus to be my light. While it kills me to not know the future, it's also where I need to just trust him.
Wow...talk about rambling. Guess I had a lot on my heart tonight...
